I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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