who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
