Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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