When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
