when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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