you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
