Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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