I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
