The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
