I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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