I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
