Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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