thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
