My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i love accidental penises.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
