I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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