dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ttyl tear gas
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
