Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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