i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
