So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
