I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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