Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
