i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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