Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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