My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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