Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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