There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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