I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
