I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
