he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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