After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
