You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
