i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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