Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My feet surprised me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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