Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
