im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
