jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
