Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize