That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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