Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
