As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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