we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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