Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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