Umm I'm too high to move.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
