Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
