you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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