the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
