like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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