I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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