I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
