Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My vagina just clenched in fear
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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