listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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