the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
