I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
