No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
