guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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