i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
