she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
