I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize