no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
