I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
