Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
