I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
